On top of everything else I have been feeling and going through trying to be a better sir for Kitten, sleep as been at an absolute premium. I just don’t understand, I never had issues sleeping with stress or not. I was always the “switch in my head” guy, when I went horizontal, I went to sleep if I wanted. Of course, there is construction work in my neighborhood, so 7am was the start time and woke me up after finally falling asleep and staying asleep fought me all night.
Yesterday started off good, then got a little rocky. I started with an “I love you text” that made my morning, then Kitten was upset about the dreams I was having, because I wasn’t clear enough about the nightmares and that one was a new one. I thought I had told her, and she said I hadn’t and she found out reading my blog. She also stated she may stop reading my blog, because she was upset that she learned it was a new nightmare I had via the blog and felt I wasn’t as transparent about it when I told her about having a nightmare, versus what it was.
So that sucked. I explained to her that this blog was for her, as well as me. That when I sit down to write and share, I do want others to learn, but I am sitting and writing for her in many ways. That I want her to see my thoughts, now, a week or a month from now or whatever. It is still very much for her, as well as, helps me and maybe others.
So, that kind of sucked. But, we did talk about us. That started because I had a bunch of things I wanted to share and I did via email, but not text because I wanted her to read it when she was able and felt ready too. I also didn’t want to put it on here because it was not for public consumption.
We talked later in the day, on the phone for a few. It was amazing to hear her voice. I miss her so, so much. I hate not talking to her all the time, not hearing about her day and not just feeling the same calm she gives me always. I know she is going through alot, and she is really upset.
I feel like, honestly, if she just let me in a little more I could start to make her feel better, but she doesn’t trust me enough yet. I know that’s going to be a long process. I just want to pull her into my lap, let her look up at me and tell her everything is going to be amazing and hold her there. That this is a rough time, but that doesn’t change who either of us are. that we are amazing together, and we can weather this and any other storm. I want her to know how much I have learned and how much I have realized over the few weeks.
My latest epiphany about all of this, I was too cerebral at the wrong times over the last year. I know that may sound weird, but, hear me out. Before everything went haywire, I could just feel Kitten. In person, on the phone and sometimes in text, I could almost just feel exactly how she felt and give her what she needs. Then, I started of trying to “think” of what she needed, and not feeling her. I started to try to “make sense” of emotional feelings and then I started not listening. I didn’t listen that “thing” we have between us, either. Which I always had before. I listen to Kitten, I listen to the “thing” and everything worked amazingly.
Being cerebral and being emotional at the same time is an internal fight that is vicious. I know this first hand, as well as through Kitten. She is definitely one that when things get hard between us, she has that internal fight as well. The cerebral side listing all of the things she is thinking or is upset about, and her emotions pulling one way or another. I also know that she needs to have both portions answered insider before she can feel better. I know she is going through that right now.
I am not saying ever to throw logic away, but I am saying that some people deserve that emotional care way more than the “logic” one. Both have their place, but when you are taking care of your submissive, try the emotional first. Of course, I am not speaking of moments of punishment or anything of that sort. I mean when she is asking for you to help her with something or everything.
I guess you could say “The mind is a terrible thing to waste, but, the heart wants, what the heart wants.”