It is funny how that line between avoid and control got blurred in my life. Even the last few days, I feel better and better about the controlling versus avoiding.
Is it Perfect? Nope. Is it better? Do I have major strides to make still? Yes. But can I see it coming a little better? Yes, because I was able to be shown first hand I was either avoiding my shit, or losing it. But I WAS NOT controlling it.
Being able to confront the “feels”, take a breath and deal was a strength I had for a long time and it served me well in most situations.
It was never “fight it flight” with my emotions, especially with Kitten. But I let that “fight or flight” instinct take over when I was feeling insecure, misunderstood or upset.
Seeing me torpedo myself a few times over the last few days really made me take stock in exactly where and how I was responding in a way that I never had before.
It was a good thing to see, it let’s me remember how I used to be and how I am. It also let’s me focus on a major trouble spot I struggled with and work to rebuild that personal foundation.
Thanks for the boost, random Twitter/meme guy.
S.L.
Mind of Sir 
Ahh, can’t see the meme you posted
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Just fixed it, thank you it didnt tellcme the upload failed.
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Good meme
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Dealing with a similar issue myself …. not me, the Bear. It has been so long since we’ve engaged in anything BDSM that he’s back to avoiding as the usual method of coping.
I’m strong, secure and always at the ready, I know it can make me quite the force to recon with but we had come to an understanding. Now, well …. i can understand kitten’s frustration!
TMI maybe but i’m glad you’re getting a hold of it, or at least you know it now. They say knowledge is power, i hope they are correct!
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Yes, it is amazing how when you share the same expirience you can see other peoples point of view.
In my expirience, obviously, it is insecurity and confidence inside his brain.
It is so hard to be that Dom who is supposed to fix everything all the time through confidence when you dont feel it. I think I got scared. Like, I would make a mistake when it counted most. And that was where I wpuld hesitate instead of let go and jump in where it was safest.
I really hope he can jump over the hurdle. Be pushy about it. He knows he feels off and knowing you are pushing for him to find it will help. Ask him why he feels like he isnt doing somethi g right and what it is.
If course you are a force. All subs are. They are the strength, we just are the embodiment of it. In a weird way
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I like your last line! I think you are on to something that many never really grasp!
I know why he’s faltering, it’s because i can’t be the driving force right now. i have many too many other things pulling at me.
i was hoping that after all this time and investment in him, he would finally be able to take it on alone when i needed him to. But that’s the crux isn’t it? The sub is the strength ….
Perhaps i made him too dependent on me. Perhaps i pushed too hard all along … these are the thoughts i’m trying to come to terms with.
I think his physical actions directly relate to his mental well-being as a D type. He is a very ‘hands on’ type of person, and i know that. When he doesn’t get to let his sadist out, he doesn’t tap into his Dom. Life does not let us play atm, i admit is messes with my s side too!
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The more time between all that happened with Kitten and I, and the more I reflect on me as a person and my time as a Dom, I noticed that both sides are very dependant on each other. It is like an engine with 2 pulley. One drives the other through the belt that connects them. When either the driving pulley, the slave pulley or the belt break, things stop working lights and you get the warning lights everywhere.
Then it is time to diagnose what it is that’s the problem. is it the simple broken belt? or does either the drive pulley or the slave pulley need to be rebuilt and reinstalled. sometimes we see the belt broken, and just change it and never think that one of the pulleys may have a need for maintenance and the belt breaks again. The belt is the easy fix, and most obviously broke. So it is the first thing to get the attention.
But asking why the belt breaks 2, 3 or 4 times sometimes takes a more in depth look. Sometimes both pulleys need some minor work, maybe one of them needs to be rebuilt, but if you want the engine to keep driving, and the warning lights to go away and have it work as it is designed, all the parts need to be checked.
The most obvious answer, may not be the only problems.
and yes, the sub is the driving pulley for the strength, most of the time. But the other pulley can build up enough stored energy to help as well.
The problem with the Dom, we think we have to always be on. Always, even when we are told we don’t have to be, “He” always has to be ready for when it is needed, and when you don’t feel “ready” you don’t even need to be needed at the moment, you hope you aren’t because you know you aren’t ready. It is a total Mind Fuck, to use an expression. Once you feel like you aren’t ready, you fall behind the curve and try and play catch up, and never want your sub too see you as unready to take care of her, because at the end of the day, that is our first job of being a Dom, and when you know you could fail the most important job you have because you aren’t “you”, it weighs on everything inside your core.
You have said you have been through the ups and downs before, and that you always found each other through the fog. I am sure you can traverse this as well. Get back to basics, that was something I forgot.
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I can see your point and i understand that in some relationships not being seen in a way not D/s in nature may be a concern.
I don’t think that should be much of an issue here, although i imagine it still is in part. After nearly 23 years of marriage, 2 kids now young adults and a variety of life changes … well there isn’t much we haven’t seen in each other. My logical brain thinks that should be enough, but i also know that people process things differently! LoL
I understand, it just doesn’t help my frustrations in the moment. It’s a process, it flows, anyone who says it’s always ‘on’ is either in denial or has no other responsibilities pulling at them in life. (This is mainly an exercise in thought for me BTW, things are flowing as they always do, the masochist in me is just craving what life won’t allow right now!)
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I can see that. I wish I had a better balance, then things could have been better. We both had other things pulling, and we kept trying to run there. Kitten would beg for it, I would say i could and couldn’t follow through no matter how much I wanted. The masochist in her was screaming too and her logical brain thought the same.
But luckily, you guys have enough to keep working off of. I bet he comes around soon. Call it a hunch. I wish I did.
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One more follow up, We as the Dom do NOT want our sub to see us in that condition and have their confidence in us shaken, because we know how important that is for our sub. I know for Kitten, it scared me if she saw me not ready, because I didn’t want her to lose her faith in my ability to take care of her when she needed it. It scared me, it was really the only thing that ever scared me.
Where I went wrong, was I didn’t tell her I felt off and confide my worries in her. With all the trust and communication, I was still afraid to tell her. She knew, she asked, I tried to be the strong silent type. It failed miserably, and is not a mistake I would ever make again, given the chance. But hopefully others can learn from my stubbornness and ignorance.
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FWIW I would rather see a real person with all the sides that come with that. I’ve read one too many times about how a Dom ‘should be’ or a sub ‘should be’ and anything else is a failure in some way. That’s a bunch of bull if you ask me. It’s just wearing a mask, i don’t want pretend, i want real. I think there are many out there like me.
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I agree, now. I think when it is your first time as a Dom (it was for me) and my overall personality I absorbed that mentality because I thought I was supposed too. Now I know better, but, obviously too late.
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I think you will find that out there both types exist, it really just depends what you want out of the dynamic. Here, we look for something that is connected in all matters of life so the mask (let’s call it for ease) simply isn’t enough.
I don’t think either way is right or wrong, it simply depends on the need. I hope that makes sense.
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It does. I think for us it did encompass all aspects of us when I was ok. I think that made it harder when I wasn’t because kitten felt like it was no where in my personality and scared her.
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Well, speaking from the submissive side of things, it is a hard lesson to learn that the story book version doesn’t exist in 24/7 and that no matter how good or committed, a Dom is still just a person. It will often lead us to question the truth of the dynamic. But personally, i found that to be unfair to the Bear. I have moments of great submission and moments of just, well … life! It is unfair to expect anything different from him.
Of course that was/is a learning curve for him as well. He needs constant reminders to speak up, and say no or take a break when needed. Since we are both only human, i imagine it will be an ongoing lesson! If this life was easy, it might not be as worth while! 😉
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I agree with all you said. Not speaking up was the hardest lesson. I know I cast that on myself. Life is a lesson, some we need at the right time, others we wish we had sooner.
Not wanting to let down the ones you love is the hardest one for me. That but telling them I do t want to let them down and I’m struggling is the best thing when I feel it start.
Thank you for your kind and insightful words. It means alot.
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You’re welcome! I’m sorry it wasn’t sooner but life is ever changing, you never know what is awaiting you around each corner.
You’ve started with taking care of you, that’s a very good thing. If there is one thing life has taught me it’s that you can’t take care of anyone else if you aren’t in good shape yourself!
In the words of a brilliant fish ‘just keep swimming’!
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Ha ha ha ha and I al trying to swim the hell out of it! Lol. I am trying to take care of me better. That lapsed alot.
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