I knew when I went to bed last night that today was going to be odd. I didn’t dread it, but I definitely was not looking forward to it. Kitten told me yesterday that we are just friends now, as I said yesterday. So, today begins the new normal, after 3 years of her as my, well, everything.
Kitten called me on her way to work, which was part of our routine. She couldn’t regularly call me from her house when anyone else was awake, because of her living situation. So, the calls were normally when everyone was out of the house, or, when she was out of the house.
I wasn’t sure to expect the call or not, honestly. I knew that with the new normal between us, that a lot of things would be further curbed. I answered the phone almost panicked, as it caught me off guard. I even called her “Baby” which was my pet name for her when I couldn’t use Kitten. I heard myself say it, and I got all weird because I am trying to respect her boundaries now.
She let it go, and then we talked as usual and without thinking I ended the phone call “I love You”. I said it again after our afternoon call, that one will be the hardest for me to drop. I know she doesn’t want to hear it, like I said she is emotionally further out than I am. But, I ended every call for so long with it, it was always a comfort to hear that as the last words of the call from her when I didn’t know when I would hear from her again.
We did text pretty casual during the day. Just talking back and forth, about work and our day, nothing crazy. She even mentioned it was weird because it was “so casual” but I am trying to be just that.
I know where we are now, I am her friend. I started as a friend, and ended up a boyfriend, sir, unofficial husband, back to boyfriend and now just a friend again.
I can’t screw up her friendship, I want to be there for her, and she absolutely is the most important person in my life still, even as a friend. She is still my best friend, and I know I can’t share every emotion with her anymore, that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate and even need her friendship.
She has an early morning tomorrow, and said good night with a kiss emoji. That was it, no I love you, so I guess I will play off of her lead and drop that. I didn’t listen before, I am not making the mistake again.
She also said in her last message “I hope you are ok”, which I didn’t know how to respond too. I am not supposed to discuss our relationship anymore, and I am NOT ok, emotionally. I am trying to focus on being a friend, respecting the distance and just appreciating what I have with her. But, I am NOT ok. I won’t be for, well, who knows how long.
I did call to set up a therapy appointment. I have never been a fan of therapy, and was forced to go before to couples counselling in my previous marriage, which turned out better for me than my ex because it validated my view of everything.
I don’t want this therapy to validate anything. I want it to show me some tools to deal with my heavy emotions better, and not repeat the mistakes of the last year. I don’t want to be this guy anymore, I don’t want to be angry, self centered and closed off. So, maybe a stranger with a cute degree on the wall can let me offload everything I have pent up, and give me some ideas on how to stop this pattern I am in.
Life is an unrelenting bitch. The last month, as been the worst of my life, on top of the last year being the hardest of my life. I left my divorce happy with the decisions I made, then, I ran myself out of the perfect relationship with the perfect woman angry with the decisions I made.
I went from Hell, to Heaven to Hell again. Amazingly a book I bought about couples communication came yesterday with in the hour of her telling me we are only friends now. So, that was a extra little dig at my heart.
But, I need to fight another day, and the day after that and after that. I need to use this as a chance to grow and make myself a better person, because I am not right now. I used to say, if you don’t like the person looking back in the mirror, change it. Well, I finally got a good hard look at me, and I hate me. I sobbed to see the face peering back, because I don’t recognize me. So, the change begins.