If you are reading any of my previous posts, you are seeing I am on this path of making things right and earning my Kitten back. The biggest step in that is, fixing me. So, if you are reading this, and you are on the same sort of path that I am on, here is what I have learned, in a short time.
- If you are being told by the person closest to you and loves that something is wrong, LISTEN! They aren’t telling you to piss you off, they want to see you be better.
- Not everyone is going to “trust” your change, right away. Remember that for that person or people, they may have had the promise of change given to them before by you, or others important in their life before you, only to be let down. It will make them question your change. So, it may take time for them to see you fixing your self.
- Set a goal, my goal is to earn the trust and love of my Kitten back. For me, that is all I need in life to be happy. I may have taken too long to realize, but I do. Set your goal, and do 1 or 2 things a day to move towards it.
- Find an outlet, for me it has been this blog. I am trying to respect Kitten’s space through this process. I am definitely a person who needs to talk and be vocal when things are hard. Kitten is normally my outlet, so now I am using this. Find your outlet, it helps relieve the stress.
- It’s ok to want to change and fix yourself for someone else, if they are worth it. You will be happier and healthier as well and fixing your problems. So why not let them be your motivation?
- You will have ups and downs. Alot. Sometimes a bunch in a day, then a few days you feel good, then it hits. Or you will see one positive result for your efforts, and then an hour later a negative result happens. Try and duplicate the good, and let them outweigh (even if emotionally, and not numerically) the negative.
- Give yourself a chance, don’t let a failure, or multiple failures result in thinking it won’t work. If your need to fix yourself is important, it is worth the fight.
- Not every change is ignored, even if it isn’t mentioned. The people around you may see it, they may notice it. But they, for their own reasons, may not mention it. That doesn’t mean that your efforts aren’t worth it.
- Scream at the sun or moon. Every once in a while just let it out. Sing a loud song, run, hike, shadow box or whatever it takes. Just unleash some of that stress, let it out so it isn’t pent up inside you.
- Look in the mirror everyday, if you don’t like the person looking back at you. Keep going until you do. You are worth it.
What are your tips? Leave a comment below. I would love to hear them.
S.L.
Mind of Sir 
Not that it will help either of us but I’m on a similar journey of my own. If you are interested in me, check my latest post and a few more.
Nothing is ever a simple fix. Own your mistakes, and grow because of them. ATM I’m watching 13 reasons why, starting on the first of 3 seasons at her suggestion.
I’m listening and learning a lot about why what I did hurt our relationship. EP one was hard for me and she said that it won’t get any easier.
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I absolutely will check your post and 13 reasons. Thank you. It is a hard journey. It is a long journey. It is a journey that is so worth it to me. I appreciate your words.
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As I appreciate yours, the show is incredibly dark and deals with betrayal and a lot of real problems kids and adults deal with daily. My Gaurdian Angel said that it is a hard show to watch, so if you need to there is also the book.
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I can handle hard, at this point that seems to be a thing I want to fix for me. Being better at embracing the suck, sharing the suck. And fixing the suck. That was what lead to ke not talking and sharing. The suck would come up, and I thought “I dont want to bother her with this” and hold it in.
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That’s always been the hard part, can’t hold it in hoping it will go away, it’s why she was right about writing for me. It’s now only a question about what is alright to share and what isn’t. Keep working on it and things will change.
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Yeah, Kitten knows I used to like to write and blog in general. Back in the day, She got me to write about parts of our life, toys and stories about us. She was right, and it was a good outlet. But then, when I didn’t feel good, I woldn’t write and it would get pent up, and the good writing fell by the wayside.
I think for me, I need to get to enjoy the good more. I need to enjoy the positive more. I needed to focus on the “Sir and Kitten” part of us more, when I couldn’t live it everyday physically. She was telling me to write about it, and I didn’t listen. So I would bury them and it turned into missing and guilt.
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MGA told me that she wanted to see inside my mind, unfortunately I said too much about what she told me so now I am trying to fix what I broke. I majored in English and computers so writing should be easy for me but it is not always. Watching EP 5 of season one atm and it’s so hard not to write right now about the past.
Your post on forgiveness was really hard for me. It hit me right where it counts. Thank you for that. Guilt will get you nowhere. I know that I am guilty of what I did but she still talks to me so maybe not all is lost and if your kitten is still speaking with you then there’s still hope.
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I just ready this, there is some good insight.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/breaking-pursue-withdraw-pattern-interview-scott-r-woolley-ph-d/
I’m glad I could help. I think writing is the outlet I need to stick with good or bad. I’m gonna break up pages on the blog and have different topics so it isnt one pole of “holyshit! Lol. I’m hoping others see it helpful as you have.
Keep cracking. Keep writing. Keep fighting for what you guys deserve.
She is talking. And she is also telling me what she needs. I’m trying to work on my active listening so I can fix where I need it for her. She is worth the fight.
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I would suggest setting realistic goals, one at a time depending on the scope of the thing. You say your goal is to win back love and trust, but just how exactly? What changes is she looking for and how do you show them, especially under your current circumstance?
You may already have the answer i just haven’t seen it written so i’m not sure if you have thought of it. Be well!
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Thank you. Earning it back is a multistep process. Trust, trust that I wont abandon her emotionally again. That I will do my part to take care of her as she did me. Trust in her to talk to her about everything like I used tok instead of shutting down and trying to handle it.
Listening to her, her needs. Asking her what she needs or wants when the time is right instead if assuming.
Those are the biggest changes first. And now that I am not her Dom, talking to her like a friend or boyfriend vs. Her Dom. Which is a big change I have screwed up a few times already.
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I don’t know how one goes from dom to BF and then possibly back again without getting the mind a bit scrambled! But good luck none the less!!
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Well. I didnt start as a Dom. I started as a friend. Then a b.f. and then a dom by the nature of us. But I did forget that there were other aspects of us that I was very good at even as a dom that I let go.
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I get it, Bear and i dated, then married, then started D/s 15 yrs into our marriage! LoL 2 kids, 2 cars and 2 houses in before we did D/s and yes it did get a bit confusing trying to balance dynamic with real life.
I just recently wrote a few thoughts on it actually. 🙂 I do understand. It’s all about finding balance for you and she, of course you can’t really do that part alone.
We have slowed and back tracked a few times over the years and pushed further when we were ready but the D/s part was never just gone in the process. It was tamed perhaps but not gone. I guess that’s the part i was commenting on. To me it’s like pandora’s box, once you’re in it i’m not sure i could ever be completely out of it again, with Him.
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We had too. And adjust responsibilities and such. We talked and she would tell me what she needed.
I don’t know how too be “out” of it. But, if there is a way I will find it. Even if I use the “d” side of my brain in a way that isnt being the top, as much as encouragement. Idk. That’s why I took to here. To vent and talk aloud sort of speak. Try and get ideas where I need them. Vent. Document.
I’ll read the articles you wrote. Or.link em here so everyone following the thread can too?
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Well i don’t know about ‘articles’ *giggle* but they are just thoughts and musings.
My life is a bit different than yours since we do live together and have kids in the house all-the-time! My last post simply about letting D/s become a part of us instead of trying to ‘be’ it. Balance i suppose, in our own way.
As important as D/s can be we found that it couldn’t be the focus. It just gets too complicated when real life comes calling. It isn’t reasonable to let the other aspects of our personalities fade just because we want to pursue this dynamic. Not in our life anyway, as you seem to have also found out.
I need to be wife, mother, friend, confidant etc. etc. as well as His nijntje. It can’t become singular, it has to encompass all of it to really be true for us. Perhaps i’ll do a follow up post with more specific ideas when i get a chance! 🙂
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I understand that too. The many hats to fulfill all the different roles our lives require.
We each have alot going on individually, and that weighs as a couple, friends and D/s. The D/s escape from all the hard. For both of us. As her Sir, I used to to think not assigning homework, or even punishments would help on the hard days. So, I laid off. She saw that as pulling away. And when she told me she needed it, I thought I knew better. That was the biggest rub. I stopped listening for what she asked.
I would like to see you perspective if you right about it. I know she reads here from time to time and maybe she can use another perspective too.
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